At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
