The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
