yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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