so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
