I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
