Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
