i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
