wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
