she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
