Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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