I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
