i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
