You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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