There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
