i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
