I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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