I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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