like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
