I CAN MOONWALK!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
