Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
