it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
