Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
