My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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