saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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