is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
