I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
