I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
