Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
