im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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