our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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