This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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