I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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