Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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