I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
