you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
