I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
