oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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