Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
