Apparently you make a good broom.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
