i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
