It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
why do cheetos always look like penises
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
