This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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