When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
