I am puke
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Found the puke drawer
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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