Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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