Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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