What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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