What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
