Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The beer is more important than you right now.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
