i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
